the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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