i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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