I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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