i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
