Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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