im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
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That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
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Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children