Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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