You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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