Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
