M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
