Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
