She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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