3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
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so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
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I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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