I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
