My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
