My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
