I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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