I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
