we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
