Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
