I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
