Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
