Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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