I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
