She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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