I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
