Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
