When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
