I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
