And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
