I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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