Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
