My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
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