Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
