ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
