Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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