what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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