Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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