This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
