The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Randomize
