I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
