ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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