My nipple is on Facebook.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
