Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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