I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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