I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Randomize
