My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
