The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
