I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
