We're like a lot better than the average bears
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
