My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
