Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
