I wish I could teleport
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
