I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
