My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
