he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
