dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
