I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
