I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Randomize
