and you said cock pushups were impossible
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
