I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
