either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
