explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
