How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
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