I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
